Surgery Day

The day had come.......

I didn't know if I was ready for it or not, but really how could you ever be ready for a day like today? I knew it was what he needed & the only way that he could live a normal-perfect life, so in a way I was excited for him to be on the right track to being a healthy baby, but of course was in fear of whats to come.

We had to have Ryker on floor 3 (the surgical floor) at 7am to hand him over the the anesthesiologist's team. So Jason arrived back at the room by about 6am so we could have time together before it was time to go.

Needless to say...it was extremely emotional! We each held him & loved him. Talked about how great it was going to be to get past this next hurdle & be back at home together as a family. Then we held each other & prayed together. We knew it was the next step to getting our baby healthy & that was the only thing we could say to get us through it.

The nurse walked us down to the 3rd floor. I held him the whole way, even though the bed had to come to with us I wasn't about to put him into it. I savored every single second I had with him. We arrived at the floor & we were automatically greeted by the surgical staff & anesthesiologists. Panic started to take over my body, I knew I was going to have to hand him over at some point & didn't know if I could do it. I tried to keep myself as calm as I could so I could just be with him with no worry before I had to let him go.

The time had come....I don't remember this now but Jason said the nurse had to ask me 3 times if she could take him. I just remember staring at him & praying with everything I had that God would watch over him. I handed him to the nurse, tears rushing uncontrollably. She let Jason & I kiss him one last time, then he was gone.

My knees were buckling, I felt I might collapse. I fell into Jason's arms & sobbed. It is all such a blur as I think of it now....when I look back all I remember is that pain & fear overwhelming me. It makes feel nauseous to even think of it. There is absolutely no way for me to put into words what we both went through during this hard time. I honestly don't know how we got through it.

We were told that surgery would take between 6-8 hours to complete. Other Mom's I had talked to said to always plan on longer so when it does go longer you don't go crazy! I was mentally planning on 10 hours, so when the nurse called us to say the surgery was done & the Doctor would be out to talk to us, after only 61/2 hours I was terrified!!! I thought for sure something went wrong. Jason & I sat in the waiting area for Dr. Del Nido to come talk to us for what seemed like an eternity. I think we both had the same fear but were to scared to say it, we just sat there holding each other in silence.

Finally Dr. Del Nido turned the corner & began to walk towards us. It felt like he was walking in slow motion & that he would never make it to us. Finally he sat down in front of us & said the most amazing words we could have ever heard- "The surgery went well!" Tears just started rushing down my cheeks, our baby was okay! He made it!!! He told us all the details of the surgery & that we could head up to see him in about a half hour. I have never felt so relieved & blessed in all my life! I knew God had held my baby the whole time & kept him safe. I also knew that my sweet Grandpa Crimin & Jason's Grandma Warner were there with him holding his hands keeping him happy in the process.

We headed up to the Cardiac ICU. Both so excited to see him yet so nervous for what we were going to see. Were we going to be able to handle seeing our innocent baby in a post-operative condition? When we spoke with Dr. Del Nido he made us aware that Ryker would be completely paralyzed for the next few days & that he chose to leave Ryker's chest open for many reasons, & that it would be closed within a few days.....I tried my hardest to take deep breaths & prepare myself for the worst, however I know now that there is nothing in this world that could have prepared me for what happened next.

They told us Ryker was in room 25, then opened the CICU doors for us. Walking in there was again one of those slow motion moments, feeling like I was never going to get to him & that I was walking into darkness not knowing where I was going or what I was getting myself into by continuing to walk. Everything so high paced Nurses & Doctors rushing past us, equipment everywhere, machines going off....it terrified me knowing my baby was in here & that he had to be here! MY baby was so bad off that he had to be in an Intensive Care Unit!! I tried so hard not to panic or to let myself start crying because I knew once they started flowing I wouldn't be able to stop them & I knew that it was only going to be worse when I saw him.

As we walked into his room everything began to echo.....Jason & I both froze in place when we saw our sweet boy! There are no words in the world to describe the feelings I felt! I will quote Jason's status on Facebook from that day because I feel he put it best-

"Thanks to all for all the love and support. Today I was rocked to the very core of my soul when I walked into recovery and saw my little man. Wow, what emotions I am feeling right now!"

"Rocked to the very core of my soul....." This is the best way I can even begin to describe it! I couldn't do anything but look at my sweet baby with tears rushing down my cheeks. Why does this have to happen to such a sweet, innocent & tiny baby?? Why does my baby have to be taken to almost death on an operating table to be able to make it to a month old?? Why him & not me??? I know these are all things I can never get the answers to but they go through my mind every day! He doesn't deserve this!!!

The remainder of that day passed by pretty quickly. As long as I was by his side, talking to him & running my fingers through his hair I was okay. But I knew I was going to have a hard time sleeping that night & many more nights to come, I didn't know if I could leave my baby's side!

Jason & I were lucky enough to get a "parent sleep space" at the hospital (only CICU parents are guaranteed a space because there are so few) the room is about 10X5 feet with a twin sized bed & a small nightstand. Even though it is very small & not super comfy I am so grateful for it so that we are able to be close to our baby! Our room is only a short 5 minute walk through the hospital from Ryker's room in the CICU.

When we were in the Center for Families reserving our room, we asked if two people could sleep in the room. The lady looked at me strangely & said "I guess if you wanted to, it only has a small twin sized bed" Jason & I didn't care at that point if the bed was a toddler sized bed. We hadn't slept in the same building as each other in over a week & with all that had gone on that day & all the flooding emotions we were dealing with, we needed to be able to be there for each other.

After staying in Ryker's room til about 3am & never wanting to leave. Jason finally convinced me that we needed to go to bed, saying "we will be back in only a few hours."

That night in our tiny twin side bed, I cried in Jason's arms until I fell asleep....