Missing my girls!!!!

Up to this point with all that has been going on I have felt like my anxiety & stress of missing my girls has had to be put onto the back burner so I can physically, mentally & emotionally be here 100% for Ryker. Just a few days before his surgery I suddenly felt so at peace with it & knew that God had taken that anxiety from me knowing that I had to be here for Ryker. I knew without a doubt in my mind that my girls being in Montana with Jason's family they were not only being taken care of, spoiled & loved to bits! But that they were having fun & loving having a new little adventure.

Right around March 28th one week after Ryker's surgery, all my anxiety of not having my girls here with me came flooding back! I woke up that Wednesday morning crying & in a panic! I had the most horrible dream about me abandoning them in some place down town SLC ( I know it sounds so ridiculous but it seemed so REAL & was SO hard for me ) In my dream Braylee kept saying to me "Mommy you promised you would never leave!" I woke up feeling like I was neglecting my babies by being here, even though I know they understand.

That entire day these words with Braylee's sweet little voice kept repeating in my head over & over again! I couldn't get them out! I kept seeing her sweet face filled with tears & Addi so confused why I would do such a thing. I felt like I was going to start having panic attacks! I need my babies! I need to see them & hug them to tell them that I am always here for them but I couldn't! I wanted more than anything to just have my sweet little girls in my arms & never let them go!

We had started trying to plan on when they were going to come out to see us & no matter what we tried there was no way to put an exact date on when Ryker would be out of the CICU. As much as we wanted to plan a date & get the flights booked for them & their brothers to come out we couldn't. Every nurse we talked to would say "Ryker could be here in the CICU for 2 weeks or 2 months you just never know" So I knew there was no way to plan anything.

That night I couldn't handle it anymore! I felt like I had 1000 pounds weighing on my chest & I could hardly breath! I was sitting in Ryker's room with my Mom & as much as I tried to cover the way I was feeling & talk about other things I couldn't. My Mom & I went up to the parent sleep space where we are staying & I told her I needed to go lay down. I knew I just needed to be alone....I walked in the room & lost it entirely! I didn't know how much more I could take! My whole body felt like it was shutting down & I couldn't control my crying! I just wanted my family back together again with our sweet Ryker healthy & happy in my arms! I didn't know how much more I could take.

Just then Jason came in the room, he didn't say a word- he just laid on the bed behind me, wrapped his arms around me & held me so tight. He knew that he didn't need to say a thing, he knows what I am feeling like no one else ever could & he knew I just needed him to be there for me. I just needed to let it all out & cry & he was there for every second. I know I have said this so many times before... But I am SO grateful for him!!! I don't know what I would do without him! No matter what we have gone through & no matter how big of a breakdown I have, he is here for me no matter what & he knows exactly what to do to make me feel better! I love you baby more than words can express! I am so happy I have you!

Later that night we were skyping with our girls & I could tell that Braylee wasn't her regular bubbly self. I asked her what was wrong & she told me she was fine. After talking later to Joan (Jason's Mom) & Jason's sisters, I found out that Braylee wasn't doing very good...she was happy & having fun but they could tell she was bottling up her feelings. This ripped my guts right out of my chest to hear! I wanted so badly to hold her & love her & let her cry to me but I couldn't. I thought of every way possible to try to get her to open up to me because she wouldn't any of the times I had tried. One of the times she said to me in the saddest little voice- "I just want to talk about school Mom, I don't want to cry..." I didn't know what to do! Why did we have to be so far apart?!? Why did all my sweet little babies have to be going through SO much at such a young age?!? Why, why, why!!!

The next morning Jason said- "maybe if you & Braylee skype & everyone else leaves so she knows that everyone is out of both the rooms & no one can hear your conversation she will open up" I knew Braylee just didn't want anyone but me to know her feelings or to hear her cry, so I knew it would be so good for her.

So that night I called Bray on skype & had everyone leave both rooms. She was so excited to have time with just me! This conversation was by far the hardest one I have had in all my life! Braylee started by saying "Mommy, every night I cry when I am trying to go to sleep. I try really hard not to because I know you don't want me to be sad, but I just miss you so much!" I told her that every night I do the same thing & that it is okay to be sad, that being sad just showed us how much we care about each other! We continued to talk & cry to each other for quite a while. It was so extremely hard to sit there in a room clear across the country & watch my baby girl on my computer screen sob her eyes out to me & not be able to grab her, hold her & love her! I wanted more than anything to take away her pain & her sadness, but I knew I couldn't. I knew all I could do is try to talk her through it & let her know I feel the same way & that its okay.

After we talked for a while she seemed so much better! She went back to smiling & looking like my sweet happy girl. I felt so much better. For whatever reason her & I both had our breakdown, missing each other moments at the same time & I am so glad! We were able to be there for each other & truly know how much we care about each other!

I love this little girl SO much! She has the biggest heart & she cares so much!! I miss her & my sweet little Addi more than words could ever describe!! As much as it kills me to hear that they are sad I am so glad that they miss me as much as I miss them! They are my loves, my world, my life! & I couldn't survive without them!! I love you girlies, I love you both SO much!!

I cannot wait to have our family back together again!! The only thing right now that keeps me sane is knowing that soon enough we will have our handsome big boys & our beautiful girls out here in Boston with us together with our healthy happy Ryker together again as a family!!! I know that day is coming even if it is coming slowly & it will be the PERFECT day!!! :)

This photo is proof that a picture says 1000 words!

As much as this photo makes me sob uncontrollably whenever I look at it....I LOVE IT! I cannot wait for this moment!!