December 19th Echo

The last month has been extremely hard! I think we have gone through every emotion possible. For the first little bit I felt like I was living a nightmare & I kept just praying I would wake up & it would all go away. Then I went to being mad at God & just not understanding WHY!?!? I asked so many times- Why me? Why us? How is this fair? Why does God think I can handle all of this? Then one morning I woke up & felt so at peace with it all. I had come to the conclusion of- Why not me? I believe that all of our children choose us & for whatever reason this sweet baby boy decided to choose Jason & I to be his parents. So why not us? I know that we are good parents & I know this baby is going to need an amazing family to come into & a strong home with a Mom & Dad that love each other & are strong enough to love each other & stay together through thick & thin & I know that all of that IS us! I know without a doubt that there is a reason that this is all happening & whatever that reason is I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be the best Mom I can to this special little boy & just take it all in because as hard as it is to see I know it all is a blessing.

This situation has pulled Jason & I together more than I could have ever imagined & it is only the beginning. I have always felt like Jason & I have the most amazing relationship & I have always known that he is my soul mate & felt like it couldn't get any better. But now I have seen a side of him that I had never seen before, a side that I know that no other circumstances in the world would have pulled it out of him. He is the most amazing Man, Husband, & Father in the world & I am so grateful to have him as my best friend & my life long companion! Even though I know that all that we are going through & all that we will be going through is going to be the hardest things we have ever experienced I am ready for it because of having him by my side!


Today is the day we go in for our second Fetal Echo Cardiogram to see more of what is going on with our baby's heart & I am absolutely terrified! Each appointment we seem to hear more news that we don't want to hear & as much as I am trying to stay positive it is so hard! Of course I am hoping & praying that it has changed and that he is okay but I know that cannot happen. I am just really hoping that his condition has somehow improved even if it is just a little bit.

So we get into the echo room & are there for at least a good 30-40 minutes before she gets the Cardiologist to come in and take a look. Once again they start talking medical gibberish to each other & we just wait patiently. The only thing that was said to us was Dr. Menon asked Jason to move closer so he could get a better look & then he said "Look right here, this is where you can actually see the hole in his heart." & that was it then they went back to there gibberish. After being in the room for a little over an hour Dr. Menon hands me a towel & says wash up & meet out in the hall so we go to the conference room & talk. As soon as they walked out I looked at Jason in fear & said "I don't think its good!" He agreed. It just felt like we were in for so much more than we had already thought.

As we went to walk out the door I wanted to run the opposite direction & go home, I had finally gotten myself to a place where I was okay with all the information they had given us before & I didn't know if I could handle anymore! We walked out into the hallway & there stands all the members of the team that had been there the last time, suddenly it was like deja'vu I was absolutely terrified!!! The thought that went through my head as we walked in the room was that they were going to tell us that it was much worse than they had originally thought & that they highly suggest that we terminate that pregnancy...I was panicking I just wanted to go home!

They sat us down & said "Well your baby's condition is different than we had originally thought." Then he started going through a book of heart defects & said "Let me show you what your baby's heart looks like" He flipped through a book for a while full of pictures of heart defects & then he said well there is not a picture of what your baby's heart looks like so let me just draw it for you. I was panicking!!! Out of an entire massive book of heart defects there is not one picture of what we are dealing with??? This could not be good! He started to draw the heart & showed us in his drawing that it was actually the right side of the heart that was small not the left & so I said "So, is it better to have the right side small or the left?" & he said "Oh definitely the right! These circumstances are WAY better than what we had originally thought!" Suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my chest & both Jason & I had a huge sigh of relief! Why couldn't he have said that in the first place? I finally wanted to know more & wasn't scared of it. He said that his right ventricle although small it is still there & able to help out somewhat & that his left ventricle is actually bigger than normal so it kind of makes up for the right side being small. Apparently the left side of the heart is considered the "work horse" of the heart & it pumps blood to the entire body, so having that be small is a big problem. But the right side only pumps blood to the lungs so it isn't nearly as serious of a situation to have it be small as it is with the left. They also told us that the aortic arch & all the valves that they had thought were either not there or under developed were all there & in perfect condition!! The cardiologist seemed shocked, & as much much as I knew he wouldn't say it because of it always needing to be on a medical stand point, it is a miracle!

He told us that his first surgery would more than likely be put off till he is a little older but that they wont know for sure until the next echo when he is a little bigger & that this ups the chances of both us & our kids not only being able to see him when he is born but possibly being able to hold him briefly before he is sent off for testing!! YAY!!! What a relief! Then I remembered about the hole in his heart that they had pointed out during he echo. I said "so will you need to fix that & is that a whole other procedure?" & he said "Actually that hole is in the perfect location, it is the only reason the right ventricle is able to get any sort of blood flow, so if there wasn't a hole there we would create one during surgery." How amazing is that? That a hole in my baby's heart is in fact a blessing! So we got all of our questions answered & the head nurse said "Well Merry Christmas!!" & oh boy was it! I was so excited but at the exact same time I was so scared of being too excited & then getting my hopes up. But it was just the best feeling to walk out if that hospital in a completely different mood than the last time around.

The whole way home Jason & I talked so much about the power of prayer & positive energy. And anyone that knows Jason & I knows that we are not religious people. We both believe in God & were raised around church but we chose not to be a part of any religion. We both have always prayed daily & have taught our children about God & having positive energy & influences in there lives but we don't believe that we need to be a part of an organized religion to be good people. This situation has made a huge impact on our lives & it is just beginning! This is not just believing in the power of prayer & positive thoughts but actually seeing it at its absolute best! It is so amazing to me! Just this one appointment is a miracle & who knows what more good information we may get later!

I just have to take this moment to thank all my family, friends & people we didn't even know that prayed for us & our sweet baby boy! It helped so much more than you could ever know! I love you all so much!!